Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Infidelity is Crazy, You are Not!

Why do you feel so awful, and I mean gut wrenching, basket case awful?

Have you ever thought about that? What makes the pain of infidelity at moments seemingly unbearable?

My contact with thousands says: You feel gut-wrenchingly awful because you believe:

* You/ve lost it all >>> s/he's found it

* You're a loser >>> someone else won, stole from me

* You're helpless/miserable >>> s/he has an exciting wonderful life

* You're loveless and sexless >>> s/he's in love and having great sex

* You're doomed to loneliness >>> s/he's passionately intimate with someone else

Have you ever noticed that when deep in thought, ruminating on one or more of the above, you feel your worst?

You can stop the feelings and get on the right track sooner than you think.

That’s one reason why I wrote “Break Free From the Affair:” to get and keep those suffering from infidelity on track.

I want you to know that these thoughts which germinate the awful feelings are distortions. These thoughts and beliefs about you, the infidelity and marriage are NOT based on reality.

I'm in the process of reflecting on why some of my work has such a life-changing impact. (Just 5 minutes ago I received an email which to the word said, "Your e-book is not only helpful, but life-changing.")

OK, I say. Wonderful. But why? Where is its power?

Here's what I do best. I help you clean up the distortions and see reality.

To clean up your distortions, to eradicate your emotional pain and to propel you on the right path of recovery, I help you make 4 critical, underlying, subtle yet powerful shifts.

But first, let's look at the crux of the problem: You must fight against 2 powerful tides of influence to overcome your distortions and pain.

Problem #1: Movies, TV, novels, celebrities, tabloids and media in general convey at a subtle level that infidelity is cool. Infidelity is where it's at if you want excitement and passion in life. Infidelity is encouraged!

Oh sure, I know religious leaders and politicians rant against the evil of infidelity. But guess what? Their track record is not that great when it comes to abstaining.

Remember, you were subtly taught at your most impressionable times, that in reality, infidelity holds power and excitement that you won't find anywhere else.

Problem #2: Most know diddly squat about infidelity.

Family and friends, especially those who have not experienced infidelity are clueless. Or they come with moralistic platitudes or the knee jerk reaction of quick simplistic advice because they are not comfortable with your pain.

Here's one of the hugest misunderstanding: Infidelity is the result of something terribly wrong with the marriage.

This "Marriage made me do it" excuse is bogus. Show me a perfect marriage and I will show you two people utterly bored with each other and/or part of the living dead.

Also, many in the professional healing community know little about the complexity of infidelity.

I can speak to that. I'm part of that community. I've been licensed in private practice since 1981 with over 45,000 hours of direct client contact. I've jumped through all the professional hoops and have served on the State of Michigan Board for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

My training had zilch when it came to understanding infidelity. My expertise came as a result of my own personal research, study and clinical experience.

Here's a common scenario: infidelity is discovered and marriage counseling is arranged. Countless wounded spouses have reported to me that one of the strategies of therapy was to find out what was wrong with the marriage (basically, what's wrong with you, wounded spouse? What WEREN'T you doing?)

So the cheating spouse punches you in the gut with infidelity and then the therapist slaps you across the face with, "What's wrong with YOU?"

Absolutely, unequivocally CRAZY!

Later I will explain in DETAIL, WHY that is CRAZY!

Infidelity is an Act of Temporary Insanity

To remove yourself from this insanity, its craziness and its pain, you must make these 4 shifts:

From it's my problem to >>> it's his/her problem

From I'm Losing all to >>> they are losing all

From infidelity means loving someone else to >>>infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with love

From what did I do wrong to >>> the marriage is not the problem

I will make infidelity crystal clear and in that process the shifts will happen.

Continue to work with me. Stick with me. We'll continue to reshape thinking (and feelings) about infidelity.